


Regrets

by EllieRose101



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Episode Fix-it, Episode: s06e19 Seeing Red, F/M, Season/Series 06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-15
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23150839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieRose101/pseuds/EllieRose101
Summary: If Seeing Red never happened….Or, how things could have been resolved in a much less traumatic manner.
Relationships: Spike/Buffy Summers, Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins
Comments: 2
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written 2015

Xander sat next to Buffy on the bench in her backyard, wondering when their friendship had become so strained and thinking that it was probably his fault. He’d blown up at her the day before, when he’d found out she’d been sleeping with Spike, but it wasn’t like he’d been one for making great decisions recently either. She’d died and then been resurrected again; torn from heaven. What was his excuse?

He shook his head and looked across at her. She gifted him a smile and he realized for the first time that he didn’t deserve her. No matter what happened, she’d always forgive people – everyone anything – while he’d just sit there and judge them.

“Willow and Tara got back together,” said Buffy, breaking the silence.

“That’s great,” he replied, trying to return her smile and not quite making it. “Is it bad that I’m jealous?”

“Jealous?” questioned Buffy. “Because Tara’s with Will?” Her eyes widened. “Tell me that’s not why you–”

“Whoa, hold on there!” He held up his hands and quickly clarified, “Jealous of them being able to fix their relationship.”

“Oh. Oh, right.” Buffy settled down again. “Sorry. Of course.”

He nudged her shoulder and she smiled again, a little guiltily now. She thought about his question seriously, now she understood what he meant.

“Not bad, exactly,” she decided. “Just… understandable, maybe?” Xander gave a little nod, and she added, “Maybe I’m kinda jealous, too.”

He looked up at her and she nervously looked away, so he tried to filter his thoughts before letting them out. “What you and Spike had… you want that back?” he asked, figuring a question was better than an opinion.

There was a firm, “No,” to which he looked even more confused.

“What we had wasn’t right,” said Buffy. “Wasn’t good. But, parts of it… I don’t know. It’s complicated. I….” She shook her head. “Don’t hate me for saying this, but I do want him – minus the bad complicated parts.”

“Buffy–”

She held up a hand. “Yeah, I know what you’re going to say. Things with Spike could never work.”

“I was actually gonna say that I saw you two, at the wedding,” said Xander. He winced, pushed aside his sorrow, and continued on. “You were chatting, and you had this look on your face – like you were glowing – and I actually thought to myself, damn, if I didn’t know any better I’d say those two should be together.”

Buffy looked at him in shock. It took her a moment to speak. “I don’t want you to blame him,” she said at last, still avoiding his gaze. “The bad parts, that was me.”

Xander was about to disagree, but she looked up at him again - gave him a look that told him not to.

“Trust me, I was there. Before it happened, we’d kinda got to this place that… well, it was awkward as hell, actually, because we’d keep having these sweet moments, where he’d just say something that just warms you, y’know? Or give me this look. Like the look at the wedding, right?”

“Right,” said Xander. He wasn’t sure where she was going, exactly, or that he’d like the destination, but he forced himself to listen.

“Anyway, so I was leaning on him – emotionally – and he was actually really great, and there were kisses. There were some _nice_ kisses–”

“Rambling,” said Xander. He could force himself to listen, but only for so long.

“Sorry,” said Buffy. “The point is that _I_ was the one that brought all that to a bad place. I’m not saying Spike’s innocent, but I think that– that if….”

Xander had looked away, but when he heard Buffy get a catch in her throat and start stumbling over her words, he caught her eye again only to find that there were tears in it.

She waved a hand in front of her face. “God, I’m sorry, I just– ugh! I’m so sorry.”

He was dumbstruck. Since he’d heard the news about Spike and Buffy sleeping together he’d kind of processed it, but he never thought it was more than that. To hear that she actually _cared_ about him changed everything, and he suddenly felt like he’d have to examine it all again.

“Buffy, do you think that – I can’t believe I’m saying this – but do you think that if you hadn’t of been in a bad place… if you hadn’t of dragged Spike there, too…. Would you two have worked out? I mean, I don’t get it – like, at all – but I trust your judgment. Would he have deserved you?”

She sat and thought about it, knowing that the answer would likely have implications for her and Spike in the future.

“I’m not sure ‘deserve’ is the right word,” she said, finally, “But I think it could have been good.” She nodded her head decisively. “Yeah, it would have been good. That’s why you can’t blame him.”

Xander gulped, surprising himself again when he said, “Then that’s why you need to go after him.”

\---

Across Town, Dawn walked into Spike’s crypt without knocking. He was sat pointing the TV and didn’t look at her, but she didn’t think he was really looking at it either.

She cleared her throat and pronounced, “I’m mad at you.”

“Mad at myself,” said Spike, still not looking up.

She switched off the TV and he stood up and kind of walked around as if he didn’t know where he was. Dawn wondered how long he’d been sat like that before she came.

“So, you know what you did was wrong?” she pressed.

He didn’t answer.

“Spike!”

His eyes met hers, finally. They were red with old tears. “Yeah, what?”

“Are you sorry?” she repeated in a softer tone, though she thought the question was now a little redundant.

“Does it matter?” asked Spike.

“I think it would, to Buffy.”

He made a face – like the sound of her name hurt him – and walked over to his fridge to pull out a soda and a beer. He handed Dawn the soda, but she set it down immediately.

“Spike, I think you should apologize. That if you did, maybe–”

He shook his head. “She doesn’t want my words. Doesn’t want me.”

“Yeah, well, you should do it anyway.”

There was a short bark of laughter, then he sat down again. “Yeah, maybe I should.”

Dawn sat down across from him. She’d expected to yell at him and get him to go see her sister, but he just looked defeated. Maybe it was going to be harder than she thought.

\---

“What?” Buffy stood up. “Xander, surely you don’t mean that.”

He stood up too and looked her in the eye. “I’m serious right now. With things with Anya, I think I finally learnt something – you can’t undo the past, but you can try and make it right. You should try and make it right. If… if you love the person.”

She sat down again, and kind of twisted her fingers around each other.

“Buffy?”

She didn’t reply; didn’t look at him. He put a hand on her shoulder, and she flinched at the touch.

“Buffy, do you love Spike?” 


	2. Chapter 2

Xander stood there for a while, wondering if Buffy was ever going to answer his question. As Buffy sat, she wondered the same thing. She tried to answer; wanted to, but in the end didn’t. A shiver ran through her and she stood again.

“I should be getting inside.”

“Wait, Buffy–”

As she turned around to face her friend, she saw Warren enter her backyard from behind a tree.

He had a gun.

Buffy’s instinct kicked in and she’d disarmed him before her conscious mind even registered it. Kneeling on his back – keeping him successfully pinned to the ground – she inspected the weapon. There was another shiver, then she threw it away from her.

“Xander, call the police.” He was still stood there, rooted to the ground in shock. “Xander, now!”

“Uh….” His mouth hung open. “Uh, yeah, right. Cops. Phone.”

Buffy watched him run inside as Warren wriggled under her. She applied more pressure and tried not to think about what would have happened if he’d succeeded; if he had come in without her noticing; if she had faced the same scenario a few months ago and been so despondent that she’d just let him pull the trigger.

When Xander stepped back into the yard, he saw Buffy was shaking violently and trying to hold back more tears. He went over to her and put a hand on her shoulder again, but she hadn’t seemed to notice his presence and practically jumped out of her skin at the touch.

Leaping off Warren, Buffy put her arms around herself and complained loudly about it being so cold.

When sirens could be heard in the street, she glanced back down at Warren, making sure he wasn’t going anywhere, then bolted into the house, up the stairs and into her room, slamming the door behind her.

“What the hell was that?” asked Warren before Xander knocked him out.

\---

Dawn had sat in silence with Spike a while longer. She decided her best course of action would be to go home and think up a new plan of getting him and her sister talking again. She went to leave, but as she did, the cell phone Buffy had given her the previous week started to ring. That worried her. Only the Scoobys had the number, and it was only supposed to be used in emergencies.

“Hello?”

“Dawn.” It was Xander.

“What’s wrong?”

“Buffy. She’s… she’s okay. Just a little freaked, I think.”

From the tone of voice he was using, and the fact that he was calling at all, Dawn knew that whatever happened wasn’t minor. She also knew that bad news was better in person, and that Xander probably wasn’t going to tell her in a phone call anyway.

“I’m on my way.” She turned to say goodbye to Spike and was surprised to find him putting on his coat. She didn’t bother asking him where he was going. Buffy was in danger; or freaked, whatever that meant. Of course he was going to her.

\---

Dawn knocked on her sister’s door and was greeted by silence.

“She’s not talking to anyone,” said Willow. “Even Tara tried.”

Dawn frowned and stepped back, then looked at Spike. He gave her an expression that asked, ‘Can I?’ She nodded and he knocked.

There was no response.

“Buffy? It’s me.”

Suddenly, the door opened and Spike was dragged in before it was promptly slammed shut again.

\---

Spike stood rigid, his arms locked in place around Buffy as she sobbed against his chest. Words didn’t come for a long time, but he waited. Didn’t move.

Eventually, the tears stopped, but the embrace carried on.

Xander had given Spike and Dawn a brief rundown of what happened: Warren had come to the house to try and kill everyone, or maybe just Buffy, it didn’t matter. It made Spike seethe with anger. He could have killed the bastard, chip or no chip. In fact, he still might. In the short term, though, he was more concerned with plans to try and comfort Buffy. He felt like he should say something, but for once he couldn’t think of a single thing.

More time passed; he didn’t know how long.

When Buffy’s tears dried into his shirt, she gently began pulling away from him, not once meeting his eyes. He let her go – watched as she went and sat on the edge of her bed, then shifted awkwardly a few inches to the side, obviously making room for him beside her.

As he took his place, she took his hand. Her breathing and heart rate had returned to normal, he noticed. At some point, the sun set around them.

\---

“What do you think they’re doing up there?”

“I don’t know, Dawnie,” said Willow. “There’s no sound.”

“I think he’s comforting her,” said Tara, smiling across at her girlfriend. “You don’t need words for that.”

“Yeah,” Dawn agreed, softly. She didn’t say what was really on her mind – about how Spike was the only person Buffy had let in – guessing that had been the way it was for some time, in a less literal sense.

Xander was pacing the living room. “I should have done something,” he said.

“You called the cops, there was nothing else to do,” Willow told him.

“Yeah? Then why do I feel so shitty?”

“You’ve been through a traumatic event,” Tara soothed. “People react differently.”

Xander shook his head. “I’m the worst person ever. One of my best friends is suffering – has been for months, and I didn’t notice. There’s nothing I can do for her.”

“Some people need different kinds of comfort,” Tara said again.

Xander gave her a tight smile, then looked over at Willow and said, “You’ve got a great one here. Don’t let her go.”

“Don’t plan to,” said Willow.

\---

“I once said that if you needed anything, I’d be there,” Spike began. “I’m sorry I’ve been a useless tosser.”

“You’ve been around.”

“Not in a good way, though, init? Not remotely fucking helpful.”

Buffy didn’t say anything to that, but she gave his hand another little squeeze.

He swallowed. “I’ll be goin’, then.”

“Okay.”

When he’d first heard Buffy needed help, he’d reacted on instinct and went to her without thinking. He now reckoned it hadn’t been the best idea – that he was more hindrance than help – and if he had thought through his actions he probably wouldn’t have come at all.

Silently, he criticized himself for not thinking anything through. He couldn’t change things, but he could at least leave and not make things any worse.

Fresh tears rolled down Buffy’s cheeks when she heard the front door close. Dawn came up to her and put an arm around her shoulder.

All Buffy said to her was, “I miss him so much.”

Dawn gulped. She’d have to come up with a plan more urgently than she thought. Maybe she could get the rest of the gang involved in planning…. 


	3. Chapter 3

After Dawn had sat with Buffy for a while, she went back downstairs to where Willow, Tara, and Xander were having breakfast. Placing herself in front of waiting pancakes on the island, the three sets of eyes went to her expecting news.

“She’s sleeping,” Dawn notified them, before adding, “I think she really does love him.”

“Did she admit it?” asked Xander.

Dawn shook her head and was surprised to see him look somewhat disappointed. “Am I the only one thinking we should band together to convince her to just go for it?”

“Nope,” was the collective response.

Everyone voted Tara should be the one to start, but she said she felt a little out of her depth. “I’m not good with boy talk. A-and giving advice is easier when someone asks for it.”

Xander said, “As an expert in unsolicited opinions, I’m gonna count myself out. Buffy’s heard enough of me and, plus, I should probably go and see Anya.”

Dawn could appreciate Xander’s point, but she was really hoping _someone_ would help back her up. “Willow?”

“I’m on it. Just as soon as she wakes up.”

\---

Buffy finally woke only to be met with the faint scent of smoke and leather. She wondered when exactly she and Spike had got comfortable around each other again. Not comfortable in the physical yet emotionally damaging way, like they had been, but just content in each other’s presence. Last time they were so at ease was probably when she’d gotten drunk with him, after the day from hell, she reckoned; before he found out he could hurt her again, and she took things to the next level.

She sighed. She’d missed that ease; the coy flirting, the trust of fighting side by side. She’d ruined it, and now he didn’t want to just hang around anymore. Past lovers couldn’t be friends – he’d said that, once, and he’d been right. But she didn’t want to be friends, she just wanted… him – minus the hurt. If the previous night had told her anything, it was that he didn’t want her, in _any_ way – not any more – and that was all there was to it. That’s why he’d gone, right? Him being with Anya was proof that he’d moved on. She shuddered, remembering how they looked, locked together like that.

A fresh wave of loss hit her at the memory of the door closing, and at her guilt for having caused it. Buffy contemplated rolling back into the fetal position for a few more hours. Before she made a firm decision one way or the other, though, there was a knock at her bedroom door and Willow entered, not having waited for an answer.

Buffy sat up. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Willow assured her, with forced cheeriness. “How are you?”

“Eh,” said Buffy, picking at a loose thread in her comforter. “Pass.”

Upon receiving resolve face for her shirk of the question, Buffy sighed before dredging up a more satisfactory response. “I’m okay,” she said. “Mostly.”

Willow’s resolve face softened into a look of concern.

“What?” asked Buffy, defensive.

“Well, it’s just, you’ve saved the world a lot and… and I think that you deserve to be all the way happy, not just mostly.”

“Be realistic, Will, complete permanent happiness is not gonna happen.”

“Well, okay,” she allowed. “But there’s more happiness on offer than what you have.”

Buffy gave her best friend a skeptical look. “What are you saying?”

Willow looked away as she tried to gather her thoughts. Was she really about to suggest the Slayer go after a master vampire and try to build a life with him?

There was silence for a bit, then she finally said, “I think you should be happy. You deserve whatever, uh– _whoever_ gives you happiness. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Huh.” Buffy’s skeptical look hadn’t gone away. “How do you really feel about it? Us? I mean, Spike and me. Not that we’re an us. And not that he’s my happiness or anything, and not that it matters, but–”

Rescuing Buffy from digging herself any deeper into a verbal hole, Willow interjected to say, “I admit that I was a little wigged, at first.”

“But?”

“But Tara made me realize that when your relationship with the person you love is at stake, the things you thought were important really aren’t that important, and you can’t afford to waste any time focusing on the non-important stuff. She also said Spike was sweet, which I don’t really see, but I trust her judgment.”

Buffy allowed herself a small smile. “He can be sweet,” she admitted. “If you let him.”

Willow smiled back. “Man, you have got it bad.”

Buffy’s defensive walls went up again and she changed tack. “So, you and Tara are good?”

“We are.”

“And you’re gonna keep it that way?”

“I, well….” Willow looked away again.

“Sorry. Not meaning to be guilt-o-girl or anything but, like you said, you gotta keep hold of what’s really important, once you figure out what that is. And it was you jeopardized it before, so I’m just checking that you don’t, uh… don’t wait too long to change, I guess? Don’t want to make that mistake again.”

Willow’s brow furrowed. “Buffy, do you blame yourself for how things ended with Spike?”

“What?” Buffy shook her head, “I wasn’t talking about me.”

“Reading between the lines here, I’ll admit, but you think whatever you’ve done is beyond fixing? That it’s too late?” Buffy didn’t answer and Willow continued. “Buffy, you have to try, if he’s as good as you say he is – if he’s really what you want. The man I saw come here to comfort you last night didn’t do it out of anything but love. He’s not going to turn you away.”

When Buffy still didn’t say anything, Willow gave her final piece. “It was my fault that me and Tara fell apart,” she said. “I admit that, and I am going to change to make sure it doesn’t happen again. What about you?”

\---

Xander was stood at Anya’s door, still knocking. She wouldn’t open up, but he could tell she was in. Deciding his pride could stand to take a hit, he got down on his knees to talk through the mail slot.

“Funny story,” he began, “I’ve spent the last day trying to help Buffy sort out her love life, when I’ve made such a mess of my own.”

The door opened but he remained on his knees.

“I’m sorry.”


	4. Chapter 4

Despite having only been awake for a short time, Buffy felt drained. She didn’t have the energy for the conversation she was having with Willow, but getting out of it seemed even less of an option now than it did when it started.

“Trust me on this,” she insisted, “It’s too late. Spike’s moved on.”

Willow’s jaw sprang open. “You’ve met Spike, right? Moving on isn’t really his thing.”

“I know him better than you,” Buffy snapped.

“Well, yeah, but maybe it’s being so close that’s stopping you from seeing things straight. Big picture, y’know?”

Buffy rubbed her forehead, hopelessly trying to ward off a looming headache. “Maybe,” she allowed. “But what about Anya?”

\---

“What do you want Xander?” asked Anya, hands on her hips.

“To tell you I’m sorry.”

She frowned. “You’ve already done that. Why are you still on your knees?”

“Because I’m not finished. Something tells me I’m going to be sorry for a really long time.”

“And you think that’s enough?”

“No,” he admitted. Anya did look a little relieved at that. “I know I hurt you,” he continued. “A lot. And I know sorry’s not enough, but I’m hoping it’ll be a start.”

Now Anya looked uncertain. “A start of what?” she questioned. “We can’t just get back together as if nothing happened.”

Xander hung his head. He’d known this conversation wasn’t going to be easy, but that didn’t mean he was prepared for it. Still, prepared or not, he wasn’t going to run away. Not this time.

“I shouldn’t have walked out on you and then just expected to have things be okay when I came back. I don’t know what I was thinking. In fact, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. And I can’t be mad at you for sleeping with Spike. You were right. You don’t owe me anything. Hell, y’know what? I’m not even really mad with him anymore.”

Utterly surprised by Xander’s candor as well as his sudden development of maturity, Anya allowed herself to release some tension in her bones. With a small shake of her head, she sat down beside him with a sigh. “How did we get here?”

Xander raised his hand and stated, “I drove us.”

She shook her head again. ”A relationship is two people. It can’t all be you. I should have noticed you were floundering and cut your stupid little wiggly line before we both got hurt.”

With a boyish grin, Xander joked, “I like my wiggly line attached.”

Unable to stop herself from grinning too, Anya nudged his shoulder good-naturedly before resting her head on it. “I don’t want to feel this pain,” she said, dropping back into serious mode.

“Me neither,” Xander agreed. “Me neither.”

\---

Willow had tried valiantly to convince Buffy that, despite the fact that Spike had slept with Anya, he still only had eyes for her. The Slayer wasn’t convinced, however. The conversation went round in circles a few more times before they both agreed it was going nowhere and left it at that. Willow had gone to her room and Buffy was just about to leave hers in search of food when Dawn came back to see her.

“Are you guys tag-teaming me?” exclaimed Buffy.

“Kinda,” Dawn admitted. “Do you mind?”

“Actually, no.”

They sat back down on the bed to talk. Dawn theorized, “I think you _want_ us to talk you into going to him.” When Buffy didn’t deny it, Dawn asked, “What’s stopping you?”

“I… it’s just– well….” Buffy struggled to find the words.

Dawn stood up.

Buffy raised her eyebrows. “Where are you going?”

“I just realized that none of us are going to convince you, even if you do want to be convinced.”

“Oh.” Buffy looked disappointed. “Right. You’re right, I guess.” She expected that to be the end of it then, but of course it wasn’t.

“What you really need to do is talk all this out with Spike,” Dawn concluded.

“But–” Buffy tried to protest.

“Just. Talk.” Dawn insisted. “I’m not gonna force you into going for what you both _clearly_ want, just go and see him. You can do that, right?”

Buffy only pouted in response, knowing she’d lost. Or won. She wasn’t quite sure which.

\---

Seeing the deep frown etched into her lover’s normally soft features, Tara concluded, “The talk didn’t go well, huh?”

Willow closed their bedroom door and sat down beside her. “It’s not just the Buffy thing. She made me realize something about us.”

Tara looked at her, expectantly.

“I hurt you, and I haven’t really changed, but I got you back anyway,” said Willow.

When Tara opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again after not finding any words, Willow continued, “I need to change. And I’m going to. For really real this time – all the way. You deserve that much.”

Tara hugged her tight, having every faith that she’d do just that.

\---

Finally swallowing her pride and making a conscious effort to ignore her nerves, Buffy entered Spike’s crypt instead of just pacing up and down outside it.

With the door open, she could see why he’d been distracted and not come out to her. He’d been packing.

“You’re leaving?” she asked, though it wasn’t really a question.

The whole bottom fell out of her stomach. He was leaving.


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re leaving?!” Buffy accused a second time, feeling her throat constrict around the words, her heart hammering in her chest.

Spike dropped the box he was holding and turned to face her. “Oh.” His hands went to pat down his pockets for a cigarette but were left wanting. “Uh, yeah. I thought….”

Buffy looked so wounded just by the mere thought of him leaving town. Leaving _her_. It jolted his brain into gear and he suddenly remembered she had a complex about being abandoned – a perfectly understandable complex, at that.

He silently cursed himself. Did he really think he could get the whole way to Africa and back without her noticing he was gone?

_Idiot. Stupid sodding berk._

Hanging his head in shame, Spike amended his half-formed sentence. “I didn’t think.”

Buffy crossed her arms across her chest. “Where to?” Spike looked away from her, wishing he could find his smokes. _This is a mistake_ , thought Buffy. _Why did I let Dawn talk me into this?_

She turned to go, and only when she was no longer facing Spike could he admit out loud, “Was off for a bit of soul searching.”

Buffy stopped and spun on her heal. “What?” she demanded, but no further answer was forthcoming. His comment sank in, and she realized he meant it. Forgoing the how, Buffy skipped forward to “Why?”

“Thought that’d be obvious, pet.” Buffy gave him a look that simply said it was not. “To be worthy,” he clarified. “To be the kind of man you need to…. To be a kind of man.”

Her whole posture softened as her heart melted into goo. “Wow,” was the only word she could manage. _How did I get the situation so wrong? I’m an idiot._ She looked up into his eyes and took a step forward, reaching out a hand to cup his face. _How did I ever doubt he loves me?_

“Don’t go,” she said aloud.

Spike looked at her questioningly, but before he could misinterpret her request by thinking that not even a soul would be good enough, she allayed the fears that were written all over his face.

“You don’t need to get a soul for me.”

“But–”

“You don’t need a soul, _period_.”

His eyes searched hers, looking for some hint of lies or mockery but finding none.

Finding her bravery, Buffy continued, “I love you without one.”

Now his eyes were wide, full of unshed tears.

“I love you,” she repeated, before leaning in and touching her lips to his.

\---

“Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Anya for the hundredth time.

Xander didn’t get annoyed at the repetition. It was his fault she was insecure, after all. “I’m sure,” he insisted. “I love you, Ahn. I should have gone through with it the first time. I just wish I–”

Anya put her hand over his mouth, making him realize the error in his choice of words. “We can’t turn back time,” she said. “Today’s not about the past, it’s about the future. That’s what you said, right?”

“Right,” agreed Xander. He beamed at her, thankful that she’d found it in her heart to not only forgive him, but give him a second chance. He was going to be a man and give her what she deserved – be the man she deserved by going through with what he should have done in the first place. Anya had spent so long being a vengeance demon that it formed part of her character, and it made it hard for her to form connections. He understood that now. Losing her made him realize how much he loved her, but it also made him see her in a new light. Their love was against the odds, and it was stronger for it. The fact that she even opened her heart to him at all, let alone offered it to him – not once, but twice – was a miracle, and that kind of love could survive anything. Sure, he was still scared of being an inadequate husband, but he was facing those fears and recognizing them for what they were. He was scared of a potential future version of himself and, being the present version of himself, he realized he had the power to choose his path. He refused to end up like his dad, and because of that power, and that choice, he had nothing to fear. At least, that’s what he told himself. Much as he tried, not all of his niggling doubts could be trumped by sheer mental power. But that was normal, he assured himself.

Anya opened her mouth again, but he cut her off with a swift, “I’m sure.”

Just then, the minister popped his head around the door, signaling that he was ready for them. Taking a final look into each other’s eyes, they walked hand-in-hand into the chapel.

\---

At first, Spike didn’t respond to Buffy’s kiss, not really believing it was happening, but then his body went into a kind of autopilot and his lips found the old rhythm as his mind caught up. After a few moments, Buffy pulled back for breath and he just looked at her, shell-shocked.

“Are you okay?” she asked, biting her lip.

“Am I–? Bloody hell!” Brain and body back online, Spike took her in his arms and planted an even deeper kiss, lifting her a few inches off the ground in the process. After that, they were both panting for breath.

“You mean it?” Spike asked. He couldn’t help but ask, and Buffy couldn’t blame him for doubting her.

“I mean it,” she said. “I love you.”

Spike lit up like a sun at her words, but when he went in for another kiss, Buffy placed a hand on his chest, insuring a little distance between them. His smile faltered as he was swept back into confusion.

“I want to do this right,” said Buffy.

“Okay,” he agreed, not really knowing what she meant by that. “Where do we go from here?”


	6. Chapter 6

The shrill of Buffy’s ringtone jolted her and Spike out of what had been a very restful sleep.

“I used to like that song,” she grumbled groggily.

“Turn it off,” Spike groaned, rolling away from the sound.

Buffy got up and searched for her phone, finding it in the pocket of her jacket that she’d discarded on the floor, but it stopped ringing just as she flipped it open.

“Typical,” she groused, noticing the call had been from her home number. She was considering calling back when a text came through, from Dawn.

_‘Totally don’t let this interrupt you, if you and Spike made up or whatever, just let us know you’re not dead x’._ That was followed up by a second text reading, _‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to bring up the whole death thing, I was just worried because you didn’t come home. Hope everything’s okay. I love you. Dawn x’._

Buffy smiled to herself as she flipped the phone shut again. When she looked up, she was happy to see Spike was a little more with it. He’d turned around to face her again.

“Morning, kitten,” he said, gesturing to the crook of his arm in a nervous invitation to join him back on the couch.

“Morning,” said Buffy, taking him up on his offer and moving to snuggle up against him.

Spike breathed a sigh of relief once they were touching again. “Thought I’d dreamt you,” he confessed.

“I thought I’d lost you,” Buffy admitted.

He held her tighter and she looked up at him.

“You know I wasn’t really leavin’, right? I mean, I was gonna come back.”

A small “I know” left Buffy’s lips before she pressed them to his for the first time that day.

\---

Xander woke up to the sensation of Anya massaging his shoulders. He could have slept for a week given the workout they’d had the night before, but he didn’t see that going down too well with his new wife.

_Wife._ He smiled at the thought and rolled over to meet with her face to face.

“I spent entirely too long without sex,” she told him. “You can’t ever do that to me again.”

“I can’t sleep?” he queried, raising his head.

Anya pouted. “You can’t leave me again.”

Xander’s face softened. “I know, Ahn. And I’m not going to, believe me. I was just teasing.”

“Oh. Well, can you please remove your garments and tease me in another way?” Xander kissed her. When they broke apart, Anya continued: “Honeymoons are for sex, and I went for too long without sex. Was the kiss a yes?”

He rolled her over in answer.

“Oh,” she moaned softly against him.

\---

After a little while of kissing, Buffy’s stomach began to rumble and she could hold off her need of food no longer.

“Got anything in?” she asked.

“Sorry, love,” said Spike. “Gave little sis the last soda the other day, and I had to chuck that sugary shite she calls cereal out, because Clem kept munchin’ on it and leavin’ crumbs everywhere.”

Buffy laughed at the mental image of a house-proud Big Bad getting all grumpy over ground up Lucky Charms.

“I think my place has waffles,” she said. “I should go back there anyway, before Dawn comes searching.”

He tried to help it, but Spike tensed a little at her words. It took Buffy a few moments to work out why.

“I’m not hiding us,” she reassured him. “I meant what I said last night – I want to give us a proper shot. That means being honest with my friends that we’re together. You were totally included in the ‘my house for waffles’ plan. What I meant was that Dawn might be worried, since I haven’t checked in.”

Though Spike nodded his head at her words, he still looked glum.

“Sorry I doubted you,” he said.

“It’s okay,” said Buffy, “I’d doubt me too.”

“No. I–”

“Yes, Spike,” she insisted. “It’s fine. I get it. We’re not gonna fix all the old wounds we gave each other overnight. There’s still work we’ve gotta do.”

“I love you, Summers.”

“I know,” she agreed, grinning. “Now get up, I need waffles!”

“Bossy bint,” he complained, even as a smile spread across his face.

As much as he agreed that they weren’t going to sort everything out in a single night, he was amazed at just how far they had come since the previous evening. They had talked for hours before falling asleep in each other’s arms watching TV and Spike felt at peace for the first time in a very long time. Later that day, he confessed that it was the best night of his life. They didn’t do anything physical beyond kissing, yet he’d never felt closer to Buffy.

“Me too,” she agreed, which surprised him. As much as he believed that she loved him, he assumed it wasn’t as deep as his love for her and that it never would be, because he’d always be playing second fiddle to her memory of Angel. He’d made his peace with that, but the Buffy before him was displaying all the signs of being as crazy about him as he was about her. He couldn’t believe it.

Practically seeing the cogs in his brain go into overdrive, Buffy gifted him another kiss and told him not to think too hard.

“Sure, baby,” he crooned, pretending he wasn’t all that bothered in the first place.

Buffy rolled her eyes, not buying the act for a second, but there was a smile to accompany the gesture. A real life, genuine smile. Spike was so proud of how far she’d come, through all the crap that both life and death had thrown at her.

“You’re overthinking again, sweetie,” Buffy teased.

“Quiet you,” he replied, good-naturedly.

“Nu-uh,” said Buffy. “If you can’t stop overthinking the little things, how ever are you going to deal with the other thing we need to talk about?”

Spike’s face dropped. “Other thing?”


	7. Chapter 7

When Buffy and Spike arrived at her house, they were happy to discover Dawn had already begun preparing waffles for everyone. The sisters greeted each other with a small kiss on the cheek.

“Is Xander here?” Buffy inquired, hoping to break the news in a single event.

Willow shook her head. “No one’s seen him since he went to talk to Anya.”

Spike tensed at the sound of Anya’s name and Buffy gave his hand a quick squeeze of reassurance.

“So, what’s the what?” Willow pressed, before Tara gave her a little nudge in silent reminder that they’d agreed not to pry.

“Well….” Buffy took a deep breath. “If you must know, me and Spike are kinda together.”

“Just kinda?”

_“Willow!”_ Tara laughed and shook her head.

“What?” Willow beamed. “I want gossip.”

Buffy laughed along with her friends for a while before waving her hand dismissively. “I think I just wanna enjoy it for a bit before analyzing too much.”

Spike looked happy with this plan. Snagging the top waffle off the plate, he leaned against the counter and smiled to himself.

Seven waffles later, when Buffy could stifle her yawns no longer, Spike ordered her upstairs for rest. At first she agreed, until she realized he wasn’t planning to join her.

She pouted. “You don’t wanna come?”

“I… well.” He looked completely dumbfounded. And also slightly twitchy. She’d never willingly invited him into her room before.

“It’s not a trap,” Buffy reassured him. “Just pure unadulterated, good old-fashioned sleep.”

_“Sure,”_ they both heard Dawn snigger in the kitchen, but they ignored her teasing, knowing she was just as happy as they were about their new relationship.

They climbed the stairs eagerly, then fell into a sleepy lump on top of Buffy’s bed.

\---

“I can’t believe we got married,” Xander exclaimed as he watched Anya twist her hair up into a fancy ponytail. She turned away from the mirror to face him. Off her look, he clarified, “I mean that in a good way.”

Anya turned fully then and asked the question that had been playing on her mind: “Do you think we’ll get a new set of wedding presents?”

Xander smiled at her before tugging her back to bed with a fervent, “No way at all.”

She pouted at that, but it didn’t take him long to get her smiling again.

\---

Conversation broke out about three minutes after Spike was fully convinced Buffy had nodded off.

“What are you thinking?” she began.

They talked about the night before – about how their newfound intimacy was as terrifying as it was exciting. Buffy teased Spike for overanalyzing everything and then, as soon as he had conceded she might be right, she threw him a curveball that got him all worried again.

“If you can’t stop overthinking the little things, how ever are you going to deal with the other thing we need to talk about?”

“The other thing?” Spike questioned, his brow furrowing as he propped himself up on one elbow.

“Gee, Spike, you really gave the joy in the room a whole second there to exist,” snarked Buffy, not so much annoyed with him for worrying as she was annoyed with him for making it hard for her to ignore the fact that she was worrying too. When she saw his brain go into a tailspin of trying to figure out what they needed to talk about, she swatted him none-too-lightly on the arm with a forceful, “quit that.”

“Sorry, ducks,” he said, rubbing his arm. “What is it?”

“Not the end of the world,” she replied, before realizing that there had been every chance that was exactly what she could have meant and letting him off the hook. Leaning in closer and placing her hand on top of where his rested, she began again. “What I mean is, lighten up. I just had some ideas for what to do with your boxes.”

His mouth formed an ‘O’ shape and he certainly didn’t feel any lighter.

“Huh?” he managed.

Buffy groaned. “I’m trying to ask you to move in with me!”

\---

Relaxing in the Jacuzzi of their honeymoon suite, Xander and Anya discussed the practicalities they’d face once they got back to Sunnydale.

“Have you told you friends?” she asked.

Xander shook his head. “Not yet. But we should throw a fancy shindig after you’ve moved back in.”

“Yes,” said Anya, gleefully. “We can make them bring presents!”

“We’ll sort something out,” Xander allowed. He’d decided not to worry too much about the small details.

\---

Buffy looked on as Spike first went very still, then stood up and faced away from her. She called out to him, but he didn’t answer.

“Spike, you’re scaring me!”

When he turned around again, she saw his eyes were full of tears and his face was full of anger.

“This isn’t a game, Buffy.”

She stood up too, but kept her distance. “I know that!”

“Do you?” he pressed.

Holding herself straighter, she said, “I was serious.”

His eyes narrowed in assessment of her but, after a long moment, he finally took a breath. “I don’t get it.”

Buffy stepped closer to him, now his anger had been fully replaced with confusion. “You were seriously going to take all your stuff with you to Africa?”

“Ah, no. I was gonna dump most of it at Clem’s, actually. Had plans to get a proper little place when I got back. Not somewhere you wouldn’t be seen dead in, like here.”

Buffy rolled her eyes.

“Okay, poor choice of words,” Spike admitted.

“Well, if you’re already packed up, and you want to live in an actual real building, then why not? I don’t want Dawn wandering through the cemetery to go see you, and what would you even get a new place with?”

Spike paused as he realized that, like most of his plans, he hadn’t really thought it through. “With all that money I don’t have,” he said finally.

Buffy smirked at him.

“So you’re serious about this?” he questioned.

“Yup.”

“An’ you don’t think it’s too soon?”

“Spike, we’ve been dancing around this for years. I think we have to face it.”

“What?”

“You’re stuck with me.”

Somehow, that didn’t strike him as a bad thing, but he wasn’t finished thinking about it yet. “What if we fight?” he questioned.

“What are you, stupid? Of course we’re gonna fight! _But_ I’m not gonna kick you out into the sun when it happens.”

“Right. Yeah, sorry.” A shy smile touched his lips. “I’m not used to this.”

“Me neither,” agreed Buffy, clasping his hand. “I’m kinda okay with that.”

The End


End file.
